What to ask during a grief therapy consultation
If you’ve been researching therapists and think you may have found a good fit, the next step is usually an initial consultation.
I always encourage people to “shop around.” Not in a flippant way—but in a grounded, self-respecting way. This is your grief. Your body. Your history. Your story. You get to choose who walks with you.
I typically suggest reaching out to at least three therapists for a consult. Many therapists offer a free brief phone or video conversation. In my practice, consultations are no charge, 15–20 minutes long, and conducted by telephone. Other therapists may structure theirs differently—and that’s completely fine. The important thing is that you know what to expect. If you’re unsure how a therapist runs consultations, just ask. You deserve clarity before you show up. It is not unheard of to charge for this time, especially if they are the length of a regular session. But it is up to you, the client, if you would like to pursue that avenue.
So what actually happens in a consultation?
A Consultation Is Not Therapy
A consult is a short meeting to see if we’re a good fit. To vibe. It’s informal. It’s relational. It’s a two-way evaluation. You’re getting a feel for me. And I’m getting a sense of what you’re carrying and whether I’m the right person to help.
Ethically, if I don’t feel I can competently support you, I’m responsible for referring you to someone who can. That’s part of our professional duty—not a rejection.
You shouldn’t expect deep therapeutic work during the consult. Real therapy begins in the first full session. But something important does happen in that first conversation: You begin to sense whether you could imagine telling this person the truth. And that matters more than any credential or training we could have.
Fit Is Everything
If you’re navigating the death of someone you love, anticipatory grief, a life-altering diagnosis, chronic illness, caregiving burnout, identity shifts, or transitions you didn’t consent to… you need someone who understands that grief is not a problem to fix. A consultation is where you get to ask:
Do you understand grief as something to move through, not “move on” from?
What theories of grief inform your work? (And gently—if the only answer is Kubler-Ross’s stages, that’s a pink flag. They are not a grief expert.)
Are you familiar with models like the Dual Process Model or meaning-making approaches?
Do you see grief as pathology, or as adaptation?
Will you try to fix my grief or help me live alongside it?
Do you know what medical systems can do to people?
Can you sit with complexity—anger, relief, numbness, love—all at once?
Are you comfortable talking about death?
How do you work with complicated or disenfranchised grief?
What trainings have you had in grief work? (And you can absolutely look those up to see if they resonate with you.)
How did you get into grief work?
Have you experienced grief firsthand? (You’re allowed to ask this. And you’re also allowed to notice how they answer.)
What are your favorite grief books?
If you’ve ever felt erased by bureaucracy, minimized by providers, or rushed through a hospital discharge—you deserve to know whether your therapist understands those systems.
During the Consult, Pay Attention to Your Body
Before we even get to the list of questions you could ask (and there are many), pause and notice when you’re with the therapist:
Do I feel emotionally safe?
Does my body feel braced or slightly settled?
Do I feel rushed?
Am I censoring myself?
Do I feel believed?
Do I feel handled—or met?
You don’t need fireworks. You don’t need instant vulnerability. That’s not realistic for many of us. But you should feel some version of, “I think I could talk here.”
If you don’t get that feeling, it doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for you. It may just mean that therapist isn’t your person. And that’s allowed.
You Get to Ask Questions
A consultation is not just about whether I can treat you. It’s about whether you can sit across from me once a week and tell me what you don’t tell anyone else. Ask what you need to ask. You might want to ask a potential therapist:
What’s your background?
Do you specialize in grief? In medical social work?
How do you work with trauma in healthcare settings?
What does therapy with you actually look like?
How do I know if therapy is working?
Will you give homework?
Are you confrontational?
How do you handle anger? Silence? Dissociation?
What happens if I get worse before I get better?
If you’re from a marginalized identity—ask the questions that help you feel safer. The mental health field is still overwhelmingly white and cisgender. If you are a person of color, queer, trans, disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent—you deserve to know whether your therapist has done the work.
You might ask:
How do you understand systemic oppression?
How do you continue your cultural competency work?
What communities do you consult with?
How do you address power dynamics in the therapy room?
You are not being “difficult.” You are gathering information.
A Note on Personal Questions
Sometimes people worry about asking therapists personal questions. Here’s my take: therapy is deeply relational work. It’s not like ordering a coffee or even seeing a dentist. You may want to know my values. My stance on social justice. My comfort level with conversations about death, sexuality, politics, faith, chronic illness, disability. If we step into a realm I’m not comfortable answering, I’ll explain that—and I won’t be offended. But there’s a lot to discuss that is on the table and I welcome that.
Therapists are trained to manage our own biases and not impose them on you. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask what helps you build trust.
After the Consult
After you’ve had a few consultations, sit with your impressions. Listen to your body. Not just who sounded the most impressive or who had the most letters after their name, but where did you feel most human? Who seemed to understand the kind of loss you’re carrying? Who felt steady? Who didn’t rush me?
Then you schedule your first full session.
And that’s where the real work begins.
Final Thought
A therapy consultation is not about auditioning to be “good enough” for therapy. It’s about finding someone who can sit beside you in grief, in uncertainty, in life transitions that have rearranged everything—in whatever you’re facing—and not try to clean it up too quickly. You deserve care that fits.
