Ring Theory: Comfort in, dump out
Ring theory is an idea, a guide really, about how we as a society should behave when grief or trauma effects someone we know. It was developed by psychologist Susan Silk and her friend Barry Goldman to help us know what to do / not do in a crisis. Shaped like a bullseye with the bereaved or traumatized individual in the middle, ring theory posits that comfort should be poured in and venting, dumping, etc. should be dumped out.
Illustration by Wes Bausmith.
When we use this approach, it can help us to mitigate that desire to fix and instead focus on support. It may also help us to realize when our input or assistance isn’t required whatsoever! As grievers, we are often acutely aware of how often those in our world aren’t giving this concept any consideration… An example of this comes from one of the creators of this theory herself. When she was hospitalized following a breast cancer diagnosis, one of Silk’s colleagues announced that she wanted to visit after surgery. When Susan said she didn't feel like having visitors, her colleague's response was, "This isn't just about you." "It's not?" Susan wondered. "My breast cancer is not about me? It's about you?"
From Elana Premack Sandler’s article on Psychology Today:
The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair," and, "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, first ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry," or, "This must really be hard for you," or, "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me," or, "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.
I think you’re getting the gist of it now, no?
If you’re craving more:
